Edellisessä merkinnässä purin pre-game ahdistusta juurikin tämän pelin tiimoilta, mutta sain sen onneksi aisoihin ja olin lopulta jopa ihan tyytyväinen proppeihini (joskin toinen pitkähihainen ja toiset sukat olisivat märässä kevättalven maastossa olleet hyvä ajatus).

- Hahmoni oli hyvä hahmo, vaikkakin hiukan accidental typecast: kovapintainen, kunniallinen naissoturi (ilmeisesti ollaan viime aikoina siirrytty puunhalaajahipeistä tähän) jolla oli sisäisiä motivaatioristiriitoja ja vähän oma polku hukassa.
Kampanjan luonteen (tietyt arkkityypit/"jumaluudet" syntyvät aina uudelleen ja sotkeentuvat toistensa kohtaloihin) vuoksi kuitenkin tunsin ei-kampanjahahmon pelaajana oloni melko lailla statistiksi sekä hahmona että pelaajana kun toiminta alkoi toden teolla ja arkkityypit alkoivat tunnistaa toistensa inkarnaatioita. Ryhmääni kuului minun ja kahden palvelijahahmon lisäksi arkkityypeistä käsittääkseni Valta, Valo ja Tieto, joten hahmo oli hiukan pallo hukassa kun nämä alkoivat huidella ympäriinsä tekemässä hahmoni näkökulmasta käsittämättömiä asioita etenkin kun kukaan ei kertonut tälle mitä hittoa on tekeillä. 
Vaikka tällä kertaa toisin kuin yleensä en jäänytkään katumaan moniakaan asioita joita olisin halunnut tehdä toisin pelin aikana (olin itse asiassa mielestäni hyvinkin uskollinen hahmon luonteelle, tavoitteille, näkemyksille ja motiiveille - ainoastaan se hiukan jäi kaihertamaan ettei harras mitralaiseni mennyt jututtamaan papistoa), sen sijaan hahmon pelinjälkeinen kohtalo ei ole jäänyt kaihertamaan mieltä tällä tavalla pitkiin aikoihin. I want to believe in a happy ending!
Tajusin myös, että omassa elämässäni on tarpeeksi draamaa, angstia ja ahdistusta jotta haluaisin kokea sitä isoja annoksia myös todellisuuspakoisessa harrastuksessani. Seuraavaksi olisi kiva saada jotain Caleionin Triancen kaltaista - peruspositiivista ja iloista hahmoa jolla ei ole suurempia synkkiä salaisuuksia tai karmeaa taustaa tai mitään sellaista.

- Osin edellämainituista syistä tunsin ei mitenkään yllättäen oloni myös enemmään kuin hiukkasen ulkopuoliseksi pregameilla ja etenkin aftereilla kun en voinut oikein purkaa peliä kenenkään kanssa kun tuntui ettei hahmoni tekemisillä tai tekemättä jättämisillä ollut minkään valtakunnan merkitystä minkään kannalta. Olisin esim. ehkä halunnut puida vastapelaajan kanssa hahmojen suhteen tulevaisuutta, mutta se tuntui jotenkin tyhmältä ja turhalta (mitäpä jumalten kuninkaan inkarnaatio tavallisessa kerransyntyvässä kuolevaisessa näkisikään pidemmän päälle jne.).
Lisäksi huomasin taas tulevani enimmäkseen paremmin juttuun miesten kuin naisten kanssa. Miehet keskimäärin ovat vaan niin paljon... noh, helpompia. Helpompia lukea ja ennakoida ja sanovat yleensä suoraan mitä ajattelevat. En nyt tarkoita sanoa että kaikki naiset ovat koko ajan hankalia stereotypiakimppuja jotka eivät ikinä sano mitä oikeasti ajattelevat tai mitään sellaista, nyt vain kun olen oppinut ymmärtämään paremmin todennäköisiä Asperger -ominaisuuksiani (seriously, selittäisi NIIN paljon, mutta siitä lisää myöhemmin), olen tajunnut että suuri osa sosiaalisesta ahdistuksestani johtuu siitä, että saan ihmisistä niin ristiriitaisia signaaleita että "ylikuormitun" yrittäessäni hahmottaa kokonaiskuvaa (kehonkieli/henkilöstä huokuva yleisfiilis ei ollenkaan vastaa sitä mitä suusta tulee = major confusion, etenkin kun sosiaaliset normit edellyttävät etten kyseenalaista sanoja tai lähde muuten kaivelemaan totuutta esille). Ja ikävä sanoa näin, mutta mitä "perinteisempi" naishenkilö on kyseessä, sen vaikeampaa minulle on kommunikoida toimivasti hänen kanssaan koska en itse handlaa sitä ääneenlausumatonta koodistoa ollenkaan (tai paljolti muitakaan ääneenlausumattomia koodistoja, kirjoittamattomat säännöt ovat ehkä pahinta mitä tiedän). Surullista on myös tajuta, että ystävystyminen on tästä syystä tosi vaikeaa ja vaatii paljon kärsivällisyyttä toiselta (olen oikeasti kaverina kiva ja lojaali ja antelias, give me a chance guys?)

- Juominen on hyvä juttu. Mieluiten sellaisten asioiden juominen jotka eivät sisällä alkoholia. Etenkään saunassa tai kun ei ole syönyt tarpeeksi. Tai molempia. Pitäisi muutenkin vaan suosiolla jättää alkoholi kokonaan pois, kun se ei muutenkaan ole millään lailla oleellinen osa elämääni ja kehoni kun ei muitakaan mömmöjä (makeutusaineet, kofeiini, lääkkeet...) oikein osaa käsitellä. (edit: Huom, join siis puolikkaan siiderin ja yhden Breezerin) Etenkään nestehukkaisena. Tyhmä tyttö kun ei vieläkään tajua nesteytyksen tärkeyttä. Tai tajuaa, muttei muista. Miten voi unohtaa syödä ja juoda kunnolla, senkin jälkeen kun on seurauksena käynyt pari kertaa jo sairaalassakin? Ja muutenkin vihaa pahoinvoimista. Ehkä tällekin ongelmalle löytyy selitys ja ehkä jopa ratkaisu neurologilla.

- Parisuhteeni taitaa olla aika helkkarin hataralla pohjalla tällä hetkellä.

Tell me, why do I larp again, when I know I get anxious and control-freaky about everything and focus way too much on insignificant costuming stuff and in the process fail to absorb the materials as well as I should (why yes, larping in Finland is srs bsns)?
And that I'll probably also feel like an outsider off-game and instead of the wild drinking that usually happens pre- and after-game, just want to have quiet, deep conversation with someone in the corner - but my go-to people for that won't be present.

I’m paying 20€ for something that should be fun and relaxing break from reality, but instead brings me panic attacks and general anxiety.

Why couldn’t I just sit this one out?

(I promise I'll write more about what's been going on in my life lately (not very much, but some of that important) soon, I just needed to get this off my chest right now, and it was a good excuse to activate this thing that has been gathering dust for way too long.)

I posted this same thing a couple of years ago, but it's so awesome it bears repeating:

To celebrate the (100th, wow) International Women's Day, I wanted to share this with all of you ladies (and well, why not gentlemen as well) out there. Sydney, Buffy, Veronica, Kara and Zoë show us how it's done. ♥

For those who can't be bothered to download it (which I would recommend, as the quality is infinitely better), here's the YouTube version:

 Because I have nothing else to do at the moment (except study for the Art History exam, but shh!), I might as well continue talking to myself in the form of a running BSG commentary just to get it out of my system.

( 2x10 (Pegasus) - 2x12 (Resurrection Ship pt. II) )

I'll probably come back to add something I forgot to say later, but I guess it's all here for now.
Also, I guess it's time to make BSG its own "fandom:" tag.

 Ugh, I've had too much sugar so I'm all headachey and unfocused at the moment.

But yeah, thought I'd write down some thoughts on TV I've been watching lately. I'll try to avoid any big spoilers, but be warned in any case if for example like me you're embarrassingly late on the bandwagon with BSG. But anyway:

---

- Battlestar Galactica. I'm like six years late with this mostly because when something is hyped up to heavens I tend to get annoyed and start avoiding it on principle. Childish, I know, but damn, that hype has been driving me crazy. :p
Anyway, the boy had Caprica so I watched it with him out of curiosity (not really worth it, btw, unless you really want to learn that Cylons were basically created by a crazy, annoying religiously fanatical teenage girl, and that Adama's family background is like the Greek mafia. I was impressed by the family likeness though, so casting's good in that department.) so it was sort of natural to follow it with BSG, especially since I pretty much had nothing else to watch while waiting for Being Human's return.

And it is good, I'll give you that. It's also one of those shows that should come with a warning label: "CAUTION: This will break your heart and drive you crazy." I've only watched up to 2x07 but I already know it's going to stomp gleefully all over my heart. I thought I could watch it as kind of idle quality entertainment and distraction from BH but damn, they managed to get me invested by hitting me in my weak spot. Damn you, Katee Sackhoff and Jamie Bamber.

( Semi-shippy mini rant. Ugh, I'm such a girl. )

Okay, that ended up being quite a mini-rant. O_o Better put it behind a cut, even though I suspect I could just as well be talking to myself because the problem with being late to bandwagon with something popular is that everyone else either has already discussed it to death and couldn't really talk to you about it without spoiling you somehow, or they haven't seen it and therefore don't give a damn/know what you're talking about. Oh well.

---

- Anyway, 6 episodes in I'm still not impressed with The Pacific. I mean, I completely realize it's supposed to be different than Band of Brothers. But I think they tried too hard to take it to a different direction, structure-wise and in general. The flow of the episodes suffers from random cuts back to the States where Sledge or Basilone or someone is doing something, especially as there's like one random cut per episode that has nothing to do with the general plot of the episode in question. And while anyone would probably suffer in comparison to Winters as a central figure, Leckie is just not a very sympathetic main character. Of course war is hell, but he just whines and aggro-emos about everything constantly as if he has it worse than any of the other guys. Which he doesn't. Ugh.
It has impressive production values and is probably a very realistic portrayal of the WWII Pacific Theatre, but I can't just bring myself to care very much, which is sad.

---

- Being Human 3x02. Not as good as the season premiere, but that was to be expected. A very decent episode nonetheless, even though some things confused me a little continuity-wise. Namely the prospect that vampires need blood for sustenance. I'm not sure if it was a genuine continuity error, a retcon (I hope not) or if it was just handled not that well. I can understand how Adam would think that, and even Nina and George, but it was quite clumsy if it was supposed to be just that.
I really loved how Nina took control of the situation and didn't allow Adam or the Hargreaves to scare or bully her. She'll be a great mother, and she's been a good influence to George as well. Unfortunately that's probably gonna mean that the house will grow more and more divided into two parties with Mitchell brooding around and being conflicted and secretive and Annie, bless her soul, probably sticking with him through it all.
And that's another thing: I love Mitchell and Annie's dynamic, I do. But this episode showed exactly why Lia's little matchmaking was a bad thing. Annie's acting like a clingy schoolgirl with a crush, which confuses Mitchell and is probably making him want to take a little distance. I mean, I completely understand why she's doing that: she's traumatized and in denial and clings to him because he was the one who saved her. And she has probably always lived for others, not valued herself enough and been a bit of an easily manipulated pushover. Which is why she's now dead. And which is why I'm worried. Ugh, this show. I really hope Mitchell will put an end to it if she starts acting all Stepford wife when they get together. Preferably even before that. I realize he (and Nina and George) is all she has in her life, but really.

---

And that's it for now, I guess. Expect that rec post at some point soon, and again, I'm interested in hearing your comments and opinions. :)

 Okay, so. The big epic Being Human post. Since we're getting a new episode tomorrow I'd better do it now or I'll never get around to do it.

Where to even start?
It's back and it's glorious and after the gloomy and uneven second series and the long, long break it's so wonderful to see it's back in top form. Because at its best, Being Human is probably the best thing on TV lately. The quality of writing and acting, the sense of realism despite the supernatural themes, the inspired music choices (Girlfriend In A Coma? Genius!)...

I mean, I realize it's not for everyone. Some people want complete polished escapism from their TV shows, and Being Human is sometimes brutally real, shoving in your face very real issues and situations, and the characters are sometimes morons and do ugly things (and I mean in a REAL way, not in a sitcom way) because that's what being human is sometimes.

That's also why I'm bit iffy on the Syfy remake. I just feel it's unnecessary and I'm afraid it's not going to be able to get the point across as well. For example, the main trio all look like underwear models. Even George Josh. (Yeah, I know, I know. Anything else just wouldn't be profitable in the US and all that.) And from the clips I've seen, the chemistry just isn't there and none of them comes across as particularly likable.

Aidan just seems to be channeling Edward Cullen (or maybe Bill Compton), while Mitchell's whole point is that he's this huge happy-go-lucky Irish dork who looks after his friends and invites the whole neighborhood for tea and wears yellow and coos at babies, but then he's also a volatile, vicious blood addict who can slaughter that same neighborhood in a blink of an eye if you piss him off too badly.
I don't sense that kind of layers in Aidan. (Aidan the Syfy vampire, that is. Aidan Turner certainly has them.)

And Sally is whiny and self-absorbed and Josh's "awkward" behaviour is completely unrealistic and let's leave it at that. :p

-------

( "Thank goodness for Terry Pratchett." )

So, agree? Disagree? Did I forget something essential? I'm sure I did. Let's discuss!

Oh, I also have some fanfic recs (from the whole show) and songs I keep associating with certain characters and relationships and that I would vid if I knew how, but I think I'll make a separate post for them, this is already huge.

- Reply to this post with ICON ME! and I will pick five of your icons.
- Make a post (including this info) and talk about the icons I chose.
- Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.
- This will create a never ending cycle of icon glee

canadiangoddess  picked these:




This is The Morrígan. The Great Queen (or "The Phantom Queen", etymologists are still arguing over that one), an ancient Irish goddess of passion, battlefields and sovereignty, to put it simply. I was born on Samhain, 31st of October, which is kind of her day because of that connection to the Underworld. So in a weird way she's always felt close to me even though I'm not exactly a practicing pagan. I just remember how I felt in Ireland when I saw all those crows flying around. Felt right, somehow.
The Irish Gaelic phrase in the icon means something like "Of Morrígan of graves and tombs."




And then this. Éire. Ireland. My spiritual home in some funny, unexplainable way. I miss it.




Mitchell says this in an episode of Being Human, in a kind of hilarious, nonchalant way. Like "Yeah, we're bastards, how is that anything new?" which was such a refreshing look at it in the middle of the whole Twilight-induced vampire hysteria. And even though I've loved vampires ever since I've known how to read, it's just true, and with all these vampire shows and films and books around nowadays, it's a nice, funny reminder.




Oh, Jack and Elizabeth. My doomed, awesome, freedom-loving OTP. I'm pretty much over the whole thing now, but freedom is still a very important thing to me and that's one of the main reasons why I loved them. To freedom!




This is Calico Jack Rackham's flag, only one variation of the Jolly Roger among many but probably the most iconic in its simplicity.
Because Calico Jack was a drunk, rascally dandy who sailed with fierce lady pirates, I'm still a bit bitter that they didn't make it Jack's or even the Black Pearl's flag in POTC, but specifically Barbossa's. Oh well. ;p

----------------------

There you have 'em, next I'm gonna watch some ice dancing and cheer for the Kerrs and then try to put my thoughts on Being Human together. Laters!

 Oh, hey, new friends! Welcome! *waves*

So, what's new?
My internship at the bookstore ended at the end of December. I did fine, apparently, but not good enough to land a job there. But in any case, it was a great experience and I learned a lot. Now I'm back in school and considering my options.
I applied for a summer job at the Museum Center and am keeping my fingers crossed. Showing people around the Turku Castle or something for living would be pretty awesome (though I'd probably be stuck at the reception or something. But still.)
But I probably need to get at least a part-time job till then because study books are expensive and being piss-poor is no fun anyway. At least Tommi has a job now, though I can tell it's making him a bit miserable.

The ideal situation would be getting a job from a bookstore because depending on whether or not my six months' internship counts, I could be a graduated librist in 2 to 2,5 years. That would be much more practical than taking the long road and going through school and maybe after ten years have a some kind of minor History degree.
I mean, history is my passion and right now the bi-weekly (is that a word?) Art History classes are what's keeping me going, but I realize it's not a practical dream, at least not right now. Ah well, that's life.

---

Ugh, I was supposed to talk about the new Being Human episode, but then I got distracted by Tommi watching Sons of Anarchy on the couch behind me, and then Primeval was unexpectedly on and I've wanted to check that out for a long time. 

Tomorrow, then.

Seems like I'm only reporting deaths here lately, but I just learned that Major Richard Winters has apparently passed away.
If that doesn't mean anything to you... watch Band of Brothers.

I mean... I certainly don't think all soldiers are heroes. Far from it. Nor am I American, so it has nothing to do with patriotic hero worship.
But he was a hero. A real hero. A great leader and a man of honor. I know, it's an absurd concept to idolize someone who took lives and was good at it, but... yeah.



Rest in peace, Major.

 I just heard someone from my past died yesterday. And I don't know how I should feel about it.

To clarify a little, he's the guy I'm talking about here.
So my first thought was "Good riddance." Then I realized I had tears streaming down my face. Yeah, complicated.
For all the crap he pulled, I did love him once. And he taught me a lot about myself, if indirectly.
I still think he could have chosen another path, that he still had hope when I met him. I wish he will in the next lifetime.

(Also funny: I had a strange, kind of wistful dream about him a few nights ago. Now I can't help but feeling it was a goodbye.)

Some people I know who knew him feel like celebrating. And I can't blame them. He caused a lot of damage.
To me as well. But still...

Run free, brother. I hope you will find the Moonlight Realm.

----

Kerran, kylmän keväisen kuutamon alla,
alla taivaan harmajan, hiljaisen,
kuljin kanssaan suomaalla vierahalla
sieluni toivetta etsien.

Ei kuu meille näyttänyt kasvojaan,
kuten tähdetkin, peittivät pilvet sen.
Me jäimme lammelle istumaan
aivan hiljaa, yötä kuunnellen.

Oli huurteessa metsä ja roudassa maa,
peitti jääriite soistuvan lammen pintaa;
vaan kaks' oli liekkiä palavaa
mi korvensi kahden yön lapsen rintaa.

Paloi veressä yö, kaipuu rinnassa soi,
vaisto vaati kutsua seuraamaan.
Vaan kutsuun ei kumpikaan vastata voi -
ihmisiä me olemme, orjia vaan.

Vapautta mi hain, sitä löytänyt en,
rauhaa sydämeeni en löytänyt lain.
Vaan vääristyi olemus totuuden
ja itseni pahemmin kahlitsin vain.

On kaukana kuunvalon valtakunta,
sinne pääsenkö koskaan? Tiedä en.
Nukkuu vierelläin veljeni suden unta
-kenties vapauden polkuja kulkien...

-Spring 2004